Rikshaw Troubles !!!!

" Bhaya Langford road chaloge"

" Langford roadaa !!!!...illa ilaa" (Note : dialogues have to be read with a tinge of south accent. )

" Chalo na bhaya .." ...me pleading

"Vokey Rs 150 dena"

" Rs 150 !!!!!!..arre bhaya 40 hi hota hai !!! "

" Heheheh...40 Rs...!!!!  kyaaaaa Amma...toh hum naiii jana"....said he with a devlish smile..

Beginning of yet another beautiful day in Bangalore !!!!  Believe me I have nothing against Bangalore..I love so many things about it..like ..like the climate...and many other things that I can't think of right now..but yaa I ..I...love Bangalore... ( Sob Sob...OKKK I admit I love Mumbaiiiii...and I miss it like anything...now I know why they say once a Mumbaikar always a Mumbaikar ) .

In Bangalore the autodrivers are terrorists in green uniform...and they drive me nutsssss...!!!...I mean come on..everyday they have yet another unrealistic demand..and on top of it they call me their amma...!!!!....Nahiiiiiiiii..!!!..I think people should actually go on a morcha against them just for that reason..Hmmphhh !!! Then one day after being called amma for the one millionth time , I decided bas enough is enough , these autowala's should be taught a lesson...and from that moment itself ..yours only Mumbaikar took the responsibilities of female Shahenshah...aka Shahehshi.. Please accept my Bow.. 

Andheri raaton meiiiiii

Sunsaan raahon per 

Har zulm mitane ek masiha nikalti hai ..

Jisse autowaale Shahenshi kehte hain...

Thankyou Thank you

 The responsibilities included :

1. Catching a suspect cheater autodriver

2. Negotiating properly with him..

3. If anybody quoting an unrealistic amount 

 Then < give karara jawaab and forward his auto no to the traffic authority >

 This worked so many times that suddenly there was fear amongst all the autowalas of Bangalore. A fear of Shahenshi traveling in your auto and complaining about you. Traffic police of bangalore were flooded with auto numbers. Radios , Tv going on and on about Shahenshi...phew !!! Suddenly things were perfect..just perfect until oneday.....

*************************************

First of all some basic information ..my Mom (M) , my mother-in-law ( MIL )and Myself wanted to travel from location X to our house. As per Shahenshi rules I negotiated properly ..

Me : "Bhaya Koramangala chalenge"

Autowala ( A): "Hmm 120 Rs"

Me: " 120 Rs !!!...nahi bhaya 75 hi lagta hai yahan se"

A: " Nai madam raat hai 120 vonlyyyyyyyyy !!!!!!  "

Before I could open my mouth...M and MIL in chorus

" Koiiiii baat nahi beta ....de denge..vaise bhi raat hai...isse less mei kya milega "

Me : "Arre yaar kya kar rahe ho..ye bangalore hai...ye inki aadat hai..ye toh kuch bhi bolega.."

"  Leave it..de de"

Great !!! my crew members seemed like agents of the autogang...(God forbid if emotional atyaachaar people ever have to face such problems..)

M and MIL started their chit chat...

M : Chit

MIL : Chat..chit chit

M : chat chat...rat a tat

Me  : ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz

Suddenly I woke up...I looked around ...we were definitely somewhere else..

Me : " Bhayaa kidhar jaa rahe ho.. "

Autowala sleepily : " kworaamangalaa...(burp) "

Me: " Arre board mei toh Jayanagar dikha raha hai...."

Autowala silent

Me: " Turn maaro...abhi turn maaro...Take a right ..yahan se left lo...uss autowala se poocho...blah blah...and some more blah "

Atlast we reached home...phewwwwwww !!!..

Autodriver  : " Amma 200 dena "

Me : " 200 kyu..humne 120 bola tha na "

A (typical south accent ): " Tum ghoom ghoomke aana..itna petrol mera khana..isliye 200 "

Me : " Tumko humne Koramangala bola..tum kidhar bhi ghumaane le jaoge toh hum kya uske bhi paise denge?? " (Clap clap for me...thank u thank u )

Now our autodriver looked disapprovingly towards M and MIL..." Dekkko madam itna raat hai...abhi aisa bolte hain kya "

Suddenly I was Amrish puri and he was foreign returned son for my 2 Jaya bachans...kabhi khushi kabhi gham part 2 .

Now M and MIL strated talking in kashmiri: M1: " Ye chu gareeb bichor !!!...vayn kya chu di emis...kyuta zoov kadav emsund" ( Poor soul...he is very poor... its nothing..we cant suck his blood )

Me : " What ???... he is not a poor soul...plzzzz...I am not going to give anything extra to him..that too for taking us on a ride...Psst Psst ...mummmy mummy I wanted to tell you something..I am Shahenshi...remember that sansani episoe...its me ..me...All autowala's are scared of me...I complain to the police whenever I find any autowala doing cheating... "

But to my disappointment ...they were much more interested in the sad story of the autowala...

Autodriver : "Amma itna raat ko gaadi chalaneko mera aankh bhi dukhta tha...per mei kuch bola??...nai na..aur abhi madam aisa daantke baat karta... aisa acha hai kya ??....mere ghar pe bhi aap dono jaisa maa hai..mujhe ghar jana khaana leke ..amma ke liye.."

I saw a small tear escape their eyes...suddenly they took out money from their purses..and said " koi nai koi nai...ye lo beta paise jao.."

and turning to me.." Hatay bichor ... kya rovi...itpathan cha karaan..dumri dumri khatar chak paan maaraan..?? ".. ( Look at the poor boy...but whats wrong with you...for single single penny you have started to fight !!!! ")... aur  kya shahenshi behanchi laga rakha hai...khana toh theek se khaa nahi sakti...apni halat dekh... aur logon ka complaint karti rehti hai...tujhe jisne shahenshi banaya uska complaint karna chahiye... "

One tight slap on my face !!!!....Are eating and social activities related ??...Noooo !!!!...but for parents  somehow everything is related to eating , studying and what not...no wonder Superman, Spiderman, apna Indian Krishh had a flourishing career...yeahhh coz they never ever told their parents about it.. else their superhero career would also go down  the drains..!!! ...Sob sob..!!!

P.s : This happened a couple of years ago...so if currently you are the Shahenshi or Shahensha...dont worry I dont know your identity...it was just that I didn't get time to write about it when I was in your shoes...please continue your good work and here's a pat on your back..I am proud of you my dear...:)...but still if you want to say anything to me...Please be my guest and leave a Comment here..:)

Click ! Click !

Am finally back to my dearesssttttt blog spot...and it feels soooo good..seriously...for a person like me...who at every point in time whether in a bus or on a cycle, is busy making up stories and who at each point in life is ready to include the character of a "YET ANOTHER " stupid person..it was actually very difficult to control myself and be away from blogspot ..but such is life. Actually the last time I announced my marriage on my blogspot..I got very emotional comments from some handsome and some not so handsome guys...half of them even took on to drugs after hearing my new marital status...for them I can only pray that guys don't lose hope you will surely find an average girl for yourself..(heheheh..coz the best is already taken...;))).....)..and plzzzzzzzzz say no to drugs..:D...

In this break had been to Mauritius...and what a place it is ... beautiful..so romantic.....Now in Mauritius S and I were very sure we would have a really good time and would try to enjoy each and every moment..I mean how many times do you actually get a week off from office..hai na..so it was high time we left all our tensions at home. To make it more eventful we decided to enroll in for some adventure sports . So the first day we decided to go in for Paragliding... Arrangements were done and we were told by our agent that we would be joined by one more couple. Another couple...!!!!....insecure that I am..I immediately started instructing S to stay away from the girl..but I tell you boys will always be boys..he wore his gogs..styled his hair....thus raising my BP to an extreme level...

S : " Hey don't worry yaar I will not pay any special attention to her...but can't help it if she does " ..giving a wicked smile..
Angry me : "Hmmm... theek hai theek hai.."

Scene 2: Our vehicle stopped near a hotel...being a possessive wife and a jealous one too (like a true bhartiya naari )..I kept peeping through the car window to get a clear view of the couple who would be joining us....from a distance I saw two Indian Uncle's approaching our car...both of them in their 50's..very fat...wearing dehati goggles...
" Hmmm okkk.."..surprised me
" Heyyyyy what the heck...are they a couple???? "...disappointed S..;)

Uncle 1 and Uncle 2 sat with us, raised their gogs and gave a widddddddeee smile...
we returned a grin ...

Uncle 1 : " Ahhhh Indianss ??? "
S : " Yes.. "
Uncle 2 looking at both of us suspiciously..then suddenly winking at S and asking...
" Hmmmm.....Friends haaaaaaaaan????? "
Me trying to clarify : " No no no we are married..."
Uncle 2 : " Hahahah ok ok...good good "
S : " So where are you both from ??? "
Uncle 1 : " Jee we are from Chandigarh...we have come here for holidays.."
" Ohh good good "..we both sang in chorus.

The whole way they kept on talking and talking and..talking...as if they had a bloody motor inside their mouth. After 1 hr which in their company seemed like 10 whole days..we reached that place ..
Atlaaassst fresh air...and paragliding...boss it was a wonderful experience.. ( This is highly recommended to everyone....believe me you feel like a bird...wowwww...:) )

Now if you are married or have a Bf/Gf you would understand this universal truth.. that if you go out on a romantic holiday or an outing with your other half..you end up having no pics clicked together as a couple.. In our case it is the same thing...our fb accounts are filled with my pics in different poses..some under a tree ..some on top of a tree and that too trees at different locations.. and poor S gets left with minimum pics...that too don't turn out that well ( I mean..come on.. everybody is not blessed with a photogenic face like mine nooooo....:P....sorry S....heyy but you are improving...:) )..and only one or two pics together..so half the time we have to explain to everybody that baba we had gone to X place together onlyyyy....But this time S came up with an idea ...S being one hell of a fighter...had decided that this time he would have as many pics as mine...better than mine..and even couple pics...so that everybody would know who had spent the bucks on these trips...hmmm fair enough I thought..but how??
" Uncles kab kaam aayenge...!!!...we will ask these uncles to take our pics...as it is ..what will they do here... "..S suggested
It was a moment of pride for me..I always knew S was meant to do big things in life...
" Tum mahaan ho S..waah "...Sob sob..

So we jumped into action..we could see both Uncles...I went to one of the uncles..
" Aaaankeeel aankeel ( Plz pronounce it the way it is...my friend used to call uncles as aaankeeeel...and all indian uncles used to find it soo sweet that all uncles..however rude they were would melt like butter and from rude uncle would turn into Santa clause clone aaankeeels...ho ho ho..)...aaankeeel aaankeel..will you please take our pic together.."...
and like I said...aankeel melted..

" Jarroorr jee jarooor...take a pose take a pose"
S and I flashed our smiles...hurriedly S combed his hair...confidently put his hand on my shoulder and we both gave a pose of Hum saath saath hain...

Uncle : " Wonderful jee...wonderful"...showing even with sign language of his fingers that what a wonderful pic that would be... " One more pic ho jaaye jee one more pic .."

Again we gave another pose...Uncle seemed so happy with our talent that he too decided not to be left behind..and started click click click...
After 2 -3 pics ...We took the camera from Uncle and hurriedly wanted to check what had been saved...
I still remember.. when we saw the pics...S and I looked at each other with a mixed reaction..it was a complicated one..laughter ..trembling lips..confusion and shock...
The first pic didn't have our body only..it only had our 2 smiling heads in the background of a wide open sky...and second pic had the photo of only one ear.. I still don't know whether it was S's ear..my ear or freaking somebody else's ear...!!!!..

Aaaaaankeeeeeeeellllll ye tumne theek nahi kiya...!!!!..tumne humara pyaar dekha hai gussa nahiiiiiiii....
.......arre how was it possible that somebody would not even know how to use a camera....arre if he didnt know..he should have told us na baba...wastage of time and pose..

But not for our 2 aankeels ...I think this gave them some idea..coz after sometime.. we could see them approaching all bikini clad girls and repeating the question to them :
" Madam Do u want us to take your photooograp???.."

And innocent that these foreigner kudi's are ..they very sweetly would handover their cameras to these uncles...they would take a photograph and do some timepass talks with them..
Now everything was ok..but imagine..the reaction of these foreigners when they would see the end result on their cameras...India's name totally ruined...stupid aaaankeeeels...

To cut a long story short ....Phewwww...whole Mauritius trip was excellent except for ofcourse the uncle part..and yes again we ended up having separate S's pics.. ( this time with little improvement).., my separate pics ( mind blowing as usual ) and the 2 smiling faces of our's dangling together...:D


P.S : Do leave your comments to let me know if you liked my post or have any suggestions for me ....and for spammers please keep your dirty fingers out of my blog...

Jab We Met...

People who have met me know that I talk a lot..I got this habit since the time I was 2 yrs old..yup... from that time onwards.. I have been talking non stop...Sometimes on a topic and sometimes without anyyyy topic...Phewww!! But there are times when you can't do even things you are very good at..and same thing happened to me...
yes my dear friends..it happened " Jab we Met "...I mean when I met " S " for the first time...

My parents were worried about my shaadi..no not because I had any problems...it was because the astrologer broke out a secret that I AM A MANGALIK...yeahh..(not that there is any big deal about it..you can refer to my discussion on it from my earlier post Duhh !! ..............). Now the point here is that the astro uncle was quite clear that kundli had to be matched properly ..and my damned kundli was not matching with anyone..not even with the tree ... hero of my Mangalik blog .
Then suddenly one day one kundli came ...PERFECT MATCH..!!!...(Touch wood Touchwood..
Adding to my touchwood touchwood...I will add a song too..Jammu truck driver special..

Buri nazar waale
Tu sao saal jeeye
Aur jab tak tu jiye
Tere bacche tera khoon peeye


waah waah waah waah
)

The boy was S...very qualified...MBA from a very reputed college..who had always stood Ist in his class...and where I was concerned...for me...I had always stood Ist in the queue while going back home from school..yes always....:)) !!!

15th Dec 07 was decided as the date when I would for the first time meet a guy for shaadi (Marriage ) talks..
That day ..believe me I was not at all tense..I was feeling confident...my parents were more tense than me...
" Vayn karze na badtameezi .."..( " Now dont misbehave over there") instructed my granny as if I was a ruffian kid going to meet my school principal..

" Don't worry granny dear, it will be fine...and mom plzzz...if I show signs of disinterest to you...plzz save me..just check out the status after maybe 20-30 mins...if he is boring me to death ..then do anything..use any excuse but plzz you will have to save me "
For me it was very simple...if the boy throws attitude and shows off his qualifications...I will show him my attitude..but in case the boy is good..then I would have to make him say yes for me..(Boss I cant get so many leaves from office..) so it had to be now or never ...

15 th Dec..I took a HALFDAY from office ..(see I didn't get a leave that day also ..and you are thinking why it had to be now or never)..

SCENE 1 :Mom and me waiting for them to turn up..
SCENE 2 : Entry of S, his mom and a common Aunty
SCENE 3: Both of us trying to know each other as much as we could...Now when we were talking with each other..one thing was clear,he had done all types of R&D about me...hmmm..he was ek dum well prepared..where I was concerned it was a usual case for me ...attending exam without any preparation .
My eagle eye vision and Chacha Chaudhary wala tez dimaag se I could make out that he was a very good boy and very down to earth..I don't remember any instance when he tried to show off in front of me...that meant only one thing...Mission SAY YES had to be started:

That meant giving a biiiiiiiiig smile after regular intervals...showing off my 32 teeth...[Now coz I already look a little like Ashwarya Rai and hmmm ... a little like Kareena...then you can imagine the effect my smile would have on him..sorry I seriously don't like to point this out..but don't have any other choice...so modest..thanku thanku..( Ok...those who know the reality can continue with the next line)]...and would have to use a little bit of my acting talent..

As far as he was concerned he wanted to show how much effort he had put in knowing me... After every 5 mins he would shoot " Yet Another tricky " question at me...and I was not prepared with even one answer....I didn't know what to ask...how to ask..and what to answer..:P

" So what are your expectations from your husband"
"Hmmm expectations...oh yes ..many expectations..He has to be caring, sweet, I need security in life..so he has to be well settled.."
"and??"
" and and hmmmm nothing..."
Dratt I was not even able to cook any more expectations on spot
" Are you serious ???...these are the only expectations?? I mean other girls have a list of it"
Ooops !!!..now what ..how I wish I could have a peep into these lists..may be I was forgetting something..I had to act confident ...had to do something...Ahhhhh !!! Acting Lesson no 2, dialogue no 242 would have to be used here ...
" Hmmm...other girls may have many expectations...BUT I... am a very simple girl....who does not have many expectations...coz expectation leads to unnecessary misery and suffering "

I saw him yawning like anything...ooopppsss ...I have always had this problem of overacting...dialogue no 242 had always been a failure..
S tried to change the topic after hearing this answer...I think he was shocked and didn't want a female version of Buddha ..

" What all things do you like"
" I like to sing , dance, talk,read novels.."
" and??"
" and...and many things... I .. I like everything.."
Why why does he include AND after hearing every answer...shucks...!!!

"I have heard...you are a big time kanjoos"
" Whatt kanjoos me???...who told u that.??."
" well got to know through my sources..and that too you never used to share your tiffin??"

NOT SHARING MY TIFFIN???!!!!!...it was then that I realized that he had seen my orkut profile also...and these friends of mine had not written any good thing about me..it was all about my kanjoosi..).

" Heheheh...these friends of mine don't have any other work...they have written all wrong things about me..actually mei kanjoos nahi thee...wo log confuse ho gaye ..hehheeh...wo jhooth bol rahe hain...mei thodi si hi thee..ab mei theek hun.."

" hahahah..oh I see...you can also ask questions..it should not be a one sided session...it has to be more interactive"
" Yes sir..ohh i mean yes S "
Now I thought even I should ask something..so I copied all his questions
" Now you tell me What do u like??"
" ehm ehm...this was my question..you are asking my questions.."
" yaaaa..coz I am not prepared..thought of copying it from you"
" ok ..but only once..after this you have to ask your own questions.."
" Ohh sure.."..
I showed off my 32 beautiful teeth..and hypnotized him in such a way..that I copied all his questions..and he didnt point out even once..:D

" Come lets go out for a walk..." S said after sometime
" Oh sure..."....Heheheh now was my chance to earn some extra points I thought..

While having a walk we talked about so many things..(many secret talks that I will not tell you for free...)

" Hmm had a great time today with you..I will drop you home"...said S romantically
Yesssss mission was proving to be successful... Thanku thanku
" Yeah same here...but need to go to my uncles place now..everyone is waiting there"
" No probs..I will drop you there..."
BLUSH BLUSH..." hmmm ok..if you insist.." ..I spoke like a new sharmili bride..
We walked and talked...we talked and walked...while talking and walking I got so engrossed..that after sometime I just didnt know which road to take...We had suddenly reached a place ..which I had never seen..it seemed like a mini kabristan...shucks..now how to tell him..what would he think about me...Mannnnn !!!! I got so pissed off ...I had no clue what to do...
" Hey do you by any chance know where we are??" I asked him
" No why are you asking me..I dont even stay in Mumbai"
" Ohh good..coz even I dont know..but dont worry...let me just call up and find my uncles address"
"ok"...surprisingly he seemed cool about it...
On the other hand my parents were mad at me.." Kya goyyy che..su kya asay sochaaan"(Wts the matter wid u..now wt will he think)..
" Psst Mom please dont scold me..plz tell me the address..I m lost"..I whispered
Atlast I got the address ..I gave S a biiiiig smile..." Got the address... now we will leave"
" Ok.."...
ok !!!!again just ok..may be he was having some after thoughts..may be I was going to get rejected..I looked at him nervously...he seemed dazed..it was then that I realized... he was still in hypnotized state...phewwww...good for me !!!..that meant he would never remember half the things..
We took a rick and went directly to my uncles place ..where all my cousins were hanging from the window grill just to have a glimpse..introduced him to everyone and bade him bye..

Hmmmm that day if you see we were together for more than 6 hrs...In the end it was a YES from my side...(Clap..clap for me...)..and my SAY YES mission was successful...he also said yes...:)..( Yeahhhh thanku thanku.... another round of applause ).

P.S :In case you need tips on SAY YES...or hypnotizing lessons ( BEWARE: It is effective only till courtship period...not after marriage..;)..)..or may be some acting lessons ( With free over acting tips) ..u can always approach me...:)

Frustrated Mind

What happens when 2 frustrated minds meet each other?? Result -------> This blog

Holiday is usually a treat for lazy girls like me, but this Sunday.. I was feeling soooo restless...When I say restless..it usually means..talking a lot..jumping from one place to another...beating up people..or day dreaming about things like magic carpet,ring or anything that can make me feel different or one up from others. During my childhood days I wanted to have a invisible cloak..so that I could go to the place where the exam papers were being corrected or set..so that I could either give my self full marks..or leak out the papers from there...:)
And not to forget my magic ring.. to find whether the classmate whom I liked, had any hidden feelings for me in return ..:P

That Sunday as I was all alone at my place..with nobody to talk to...no scraps on orkut to check..and nobody to beat or do masti with...day dreaming was the only TP thing that I could do successfully.
Entry of my cousin..

Me :" Tell me one thing ...you are a Engineer right?"

He looked at me suspiciously : " Yup...but hold on..I am a Electronic Engineer....so I cannot repair any software fault in your computer...you see that is out of portion..we are not taught that yaar"

" Oh I see...what are you taught in college"
" Sis we are taught..anything and everything that is not useful in practical world..;) ..that is a harsh reality...Phewwww...sob sob"

" Heheheh.....ok ok..no I was going to ask you something else..yaar being a Engineer...tell me one thing..can you make something for me...that can be useful for me"

" As in ??"

" As in... something yaar..something different....may be a wing or something "

" Wing???..which wing....wing for this building??....naah that comes under civil Engineering"

" No stupid...wing ..human wings....so that one can fly"

" Fly?????..Where do you want to fly?"

Me : " I mean just think yaar...removable wings..When I have to go to office..I will go to the terrace ..slowly see if nobody is watching me... will attach those wings..and start flying...go to office...land on the terrace....remove the wings..keep it in my bag...then everybody will say..'Hey when did you come??..didn't see you coming !!! '...and then I will have this hidden smile on my face..hehehhe...you ..you got it..?? "

He was looking at me with disbelief...as if I had committed a sin in front of him..as if I was a psycho or something..
Cousin to me..clearing his throat: " Ehm...Ehm..Oh...I see..... "

Now I was quite embarrassed...'coz these are thoughts ..thoughts that usually you do not speak in public. I mean we all ( I think so)..get these thoughts..but we keep them in mind..we never speak them aloud . I was sure he was a bit worried now about me...and was ready to hear his comment about ..' DIMPLE GO AND SEE A DOC'

I said " Yes...go on"
" No I was just thinking yaar....you often get these thoughts kya??"
" Ya..I mean...just like that yaar..for passing my time..."..I said defending myself..before he would suggest any doctors name.

" Ok..but then don't you think something is wrong in this"
" Wrong?? "..I gulped down a big saliva..and nearly choked myself..

He gave me a very serious look.." Ya I mean suppose you have got wings to fly...then there is a danger of Eagles and other big birds yaar..what if they damage my Human wing..It can be very dangerous..." Suddenly his tone turned accusing.." What if you fall down..and people see you??...Madam..nothing will happen to you because of the automatic parachute. But all intelligence agencies will come to know about this great invention..and about the brains behind this successful creation...I can be in danger...no yaar I will not give it to you...too risky...I will think of some other plan.."..saying this he left my room..

" Aaiiiinnn????!!!!! ...ok"

Blank look on my face....followed by a biiiiiiiiiiiiig smile...I am not alone....my dearest cousin by my side...as we both fly and conquer the world..:)

"Do you know ..there is this serial killer who kills every second woman whom he finds alone... !!" Me: "Kya baat kar rahi hai !!!! .." " Yeah..he is a woman hater..'coz his Girlfriend dumped him some years ago...dont know how can anyone do something like this..what an after effect...they say it is psychological...bah...psychology...hhahahhaa....this is all bullshit...hahahha..ohh man now where did I keep my Gulab jamun..gimme a min..let me just find that out..hahaha "

I kept quiet...After effect..psychology ..hmmmm...I remembered the time when I had lost something so dear..so special...I saw it going away..the pain that I had felt...the tears that I had hidden from this dushman zamaana ..sob sob..How had I felt..baaaaadddddd...very baddd .

It started this way .. I had gone to one of my relatives house..( I was in 3rd std..to be more presice ). Now I was a very shy and sweet girl..(Like you all must have come to know by now...I have not changed a bit..ehm ehm..Thanku Thanku..; )...)....following exactly what was taught to me. Now here starts my emotional story ..which will tear apart your soul..
Before entering the house..my mom gave my kid brother and me thoda sa Gyaan about basic etiquettes...
" When aunty gives some thing to eat..do not eat the whole plate like you did last time (Pointing towards my brother..NOT ME)...take only one piece...and also when you are given something dont grab it and start eating, say " No aunty" first time...and second time you can take it..and then say "Thank you aunty..."..

We were ready..I and my brother even did rehearsals. Like perfect two kids we entered aunty's place. Sat there like 2 angels and then came testing time..Aunty brought Gulab jamuns. Yum!! yum!! Garam garam Gulab jamun with Rabri on top...perfecttttttt.. I tried to control my feelings and my outburst of love for my Gulab jamun...At regular intervals I was eyeing it..waiting for aunty to ask..just ask once....my ankhon ki Gustakhiyaan was soon seen by many people. After waiting for like 20 min.. aunty atlast came...
" Dimple beta Gulab jamun loge??"
I blushed a bit..." Nahi aunty "..and waited patientlyyy for her to ask me the second time...
"ok".. and she went away
ok???.....wasnt she supposed to ask me one more time...I mean this could not be...she went straight towards my brother..
" Gulab jamun loge??"
" Yes aunty".
" Ye lo beta..special gulab jamun"
My brother gave me a wicked smile...I bit my lips..looked at my poor Gulab jamun...my lips trembled...this was cheating...Aunty had behaved unexpectedly...may be she didn't know that she was supposed to ask me again..may be she had never read that book on basic attiquetes... saddd...
Suddenly aunty asked me " Dimple beta aapko Gulab jamun nahi pasand??...aapne kyu nahi khaya"
Now what??...Somehow I had to improve my chances...I said something
like " Nahi aunty abhi garam hai na ..isliye..per thoda der baad khaa sakti hun"...speaking the last few words very clearly and with actions ..so that she would not miss it..
" Ok..mei fridge mai rakhti hun..so that you can eat it afterwards.."

That whole day there was not a single moment when I did not miss Gulab jamun...and that aunty ..so careless...she had totally forgotten about them..instead of bringing them for me..she was asking some stupid questions...I tried giving her hints..
" Aunty fridge ka pani peena hai".." Fridge ka colour bahuuuuuuut acha hai"..
" Light jaayega toh fridge chalta hai kya?"...but all in vain....silly aunty.... Suddenly my dad said.." ok then we will take your leave"....
Leave ??....LEAVE !!!!! ....Nahiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii keh do ki yeh jhooth hai......aunty yaad karne ki koshish karo ..meri amanat de do...mujhe mera pyaar lotaaa do...but all in vain...silly aunty,baddd aunty...I dont know what had happened to her...I can never forget that dayyy..:(

Return from flash back...I saw my friend still searching for her lost Gulab Jamun..I took out the Gulab jamun that I had picked up ..put it in my mouth...ahhhhhhhh relief....some after effects are not bad after all..:)..Happy Ending

Torture Express

When I saw him for the first time..I knew there was something wrong with him...(Naaah !!!..Dont worry.. am not writing a post about yet another Dyslexic child..I mean post Taare Zameen Pe,everyone is writing about being dyslexic or to have found one...In this case..Just read on and you will get it)
He was wearing dark sun glasses that too in the evening...;) ... It was the first time that my dialogue.."Looks don't matter..inner beauty does "....seemed Pass'e...Believe me..but sometimes God can be very unfair...(Btw If you by any chance belong to this category...you can skip this post...I will be writing something nice and sweet for you next time..yeahhhh!!..Now go away..)

I saw him going towards one of my colleagues (shiny)..And instantly got a Message from her ..
Shiny: Godddd here he comes..this person is sucha pakao person...plzz save me!!! ..:(
Me:Ya.. cud make out that..look at him, he looks like a kankhajoora (milipede)....such irritating looks...wonder wt he eats?
Shiny: Brains!!!..u shud hear his ring tone...always there is a new one..some bakwaas shaayri...and he doesnt even pick up the phone till the shayari is over...and today toh it is something like" Ouchhhhhhh !! Dhak dhak kar ne laga.."...wants everyone to hear that ..sooo sick..sucha torture
Me: Tch! Tch !..enjoyy girl !!!!...Ouchhh..;)

After some time he passed by me..looked at me..and suddenly stopped..(I dont know his name..but he is sucha pakao person ..I will call him P)

P: Hiiiiiiiiii Mam
Surprised Me: Hmmm??
P: I see that you did not recognize me..Haaaahhhaaahaa
Confused me: Sorry very poor in remembering faces (I should have included Ugly faces..but as you know I am quite sweet and soooo innocent..I thought of dropping those words)
P: But I remember you...you were in XYZ branch before... right??...I remember Everythiiiing..!!

Such a exaggerated Everythingggg !!....Mannnn !! some people I tell you..they behave as if they are your childhood friends or something. That was the first time I spoke to him..and I hoped it would be the last time ( I hate such over friendly creeps...:( )

Next time he came directly to me..asked me something about his account...and again his stupid conversation started..
P: Seriously when you were in XYZ branch..you were soooo different..now you have changed
Me:Changed??..who me..??...In what sense??
P: (Took a deep breath)...In every sense..

o oh...this looked bad..condition was serious...I shot a instant message to Shiny...to keep her in the loop.

Msg to shiny

Mannnn your Torture Express is here..and he is pissing me off like anything....do something..plzz
My great helper replied: Ohoo toh aapki lottery lag hi gayi...Enjoy !!!!..;) ..OUCHHH ...;)

Back to P
Me trying to change the topic and give him some gyaan...
Me:You have a savings account..but you are performing so many transactions in this..not acceptable..open a current accout
P now tried to act like Shahrukh ( kankhajoora shahrukh)..he removed his goggles (showing his squint eyes)...did some over acting..as if he was in deep thoughts..(surprisingly he looked more like Rani Mukherjee from Black) and then said
P: You are right mam...you are right....I appreciate that ..but initially this was a savings account..no transactions nothing...but now I am a busy man..have my own business....you know which business?

Ok now halt..you must be thinking why every third person starts telling me about their details...right?....dont ask me that question..mei khud nahi jaanti..but believe me I am innocent..sob sob...will do some research on it and let you know..

Sleepy Me: Yawnnn...no no
P: Kadhaii ka business
ME: Kadhaiiiiiii ka business...as in....bhaandi,bartan..kadhaiii!!!??? (utensils)
P: Tch tch...you think I am that kind??...
(Hmmmm !! This man had solid misconceptions about himself..but yeah in one way he was right..he did not look that kind at all..He was worse than that...I thought he was a bloody beggar or something....yuck yuck...)

He continued.." ye jo dress apne pehni hai na..iski kadhaiii ka business hai mera(embroidery).."
What did he think..I would jump and say....."ooooooo kadhaiiiyan ..wo toh meri favorite hai"..Duh !!!...sorry but I am not that kind either..
After some more blah blah... suddenly he said.."Mam I wants to do frandship wid u..."
Immediate thought process started in my mind.." I " wants to do friendship wid me..!!....Who is this "I"..where is he...what does he do??....and then I realised it was none other than the poor soul himself...Ghosh!!!...badddddd one....!!
I snapped.."so..??.."
"I Hope u dont mind.."
"Excuse me??"....usually when I say "Excuse me"..giving a irritated look..the other party can hardly ever speak...but this man..my dear friends was so pakao and so dumb..that he replied
EXCUSED...can I get your mobile no...
Goddd..how can a person be sooo dumb...I gave him a melting look..he understood and said something like.."ok..ok..I got it.."

Good...that I didn't have to say anything..coz I had no words...frandship request from "I" ...baddddd yaar and so saaaaddd

I think after 1 month or so he came again to the branch.I was sure the best way would be to ignore him...he came directly to me..for a account statement or something..very sadly the printer was not working...and so unwantingly I had to speak to him...I informed him about the printer..
"Dont worry mam that is ok for me..you can keep the application..when ever it is ready plz call me.. Btw Mam...Joint acct karni thi...meri wife ke saath..will you help"

Joint acct with wife !!..Did I hear it correclty..thank god he got married..that means I dont have to worry now...I told him the procedure and everything..and that I would inform him ..whenever the statement was ready..
Now you will understand why I hate him so much ..and why this post is " Torture Express"..
Sweet that I am ..I searched for his number and called him up.On the other end a lady picked up the call..." Hellooooo"
Me:" Hello..hmmm...can I speak to Mr P"
Lady: " Hellooooooooo...Hellooooooooo"
Me:" Can u hear me ??" (That day I controlled my anger like anything..thinking that it had to be his dehati wife..)
Lady: " Arreeee kuch toh bollooooo..helloooooo"
Me: " Hello ..hello...can u hear me now"
Lady: "Hellooooooo...hellooooo TRING TRING...arre kuch toh bolooooo"

Damn it...!!!! It was then I realised..it had to be his very third class caller tune....He was standing just outside..he came in with his stupid grinch smile...said oh you were trying to call right..thanks mam for remembering...
I controlled my anger...So many pangaaaas with me..and still he was alive..i felt like beating him witha stick...Now I have only one mission in life..to make life miserable for him..let him come with his wife for joint account..I will surely do some jhol in his account...or may be give his photo in Sansani or Indias most unwanted....Ahhhhhhhhhh seriously he is a "Torture Express"...and I want some ideas from you people to piss him off..I mean..before he does that to me...AGAIN!!..OUCHHH !!!

Alu chips, pakodas Etc...

It was traditional day in my Bank.I was very tired trying to manage my saree..which was sadly getting stuck with every movement of my chair. ( You can understand it was just the second time I was wearing a saree...still learning to carry it off !!!...:) )


" Mayydam (supposed to be madam )...majha number ikde ala kaa??"
Before I could reply anything..his phone rang :

Tan Tan Tan Tan Tan Tan
Bilanchi nagin nighali..tan tan
Nagoba dolayla lagla


(I am not very good in Marathi ..but I think it means..the snake has come out of his hole and has started to dance..I mean something like that... sooo funny ..;))

Me : Hmmm ..(Acknowledging the fact)
" Mayydam mera naam Tantya aahe ..myera acct madhe kahe tari gadbhad hote aahe" (please read it the way I have written..with Marathi accent )
Me : kyu kya hua ?

Mr Tantya :"pleaje aap dekho...some problem..charges cut hota"
Me: " Ok let me check"


Concerned and caring that I am for everyones feelings...I tried to sort out the matter as fast as I could...(honestly I was much concerned about my saree..and was in a real hurry before any future disaster could take place)
Now imagine the scene..Myself concentrating totally into the transactions made by Mr Tantya and trying to find the "Mysterious charges" in his account and on the other hand there was Mr Tantya and one of his chamchas. It seemed as if Mr Tantya had not been allowed to talk since ages and he was trying to find a scape goat for that..coz after every 10 min he would interrupt and provide me with some unwanted information.


"Mayydam aapko maalum mera alu ka bujness hai..."
" Alu??" ( That was a very obvious reaction coz I was not expecting him to tell me his biodata)
"Alu mayydam....alu...wo uska hum log chips aur pakoda banate hain..aap nahi khaate kya ?? "
The person accompanying him said in his monotonous voice.." Potatoe Mayddam potatoe"
Me:" Ya ya I know alu..acha acha uska business hai"
Mr Tantya : " Haan ani kaanda ka bhi bujness hai "
Stupid me again : " Kanda??"
" Kanda mayydam ..kanda...wo jiska pakoda bhi banta ahe...aap nahi khaati kya..Jain hain??"
Now before the companion could open his mouth I jumped
" Nahi nahi mujhe pata hai kanda..onion na...haan khaate hain..Adcha acha uska bhi business hai"
Mr Tantya : " Mayydam aapan marathi aahe ka ??"
" hmmm...nahi kashmiri"
" haaaaaaan!!!! ..arre mayydam aap poora kashmiri hi lagta hai...kashmiri bahut ache hote hain..bechara log ke saath bahut boora hua (witha verrry sad expression)...aap poora kashmiri dhol ke jaise lagte hain"
" Dhol???"


Now I was seriously taken aback..dhol me?...do I look like a dhol..I mean for people who have not seen me..I look a bit like Kareena kapoor, a bit like Rani mukherjee..and a biiiiiiiit like priety zinta ....wait a second did I forget Ashwarya Rai...!!!
( For those who have already seen me and know that I look like Lalita Pawar's lil sister...SHUT UP and read the next line..)


The chamcha again " Dhol nahi ..Doll..gudiya "
Fortunately by this time I was successful in detecting the Root cause of his
" mysterious charges "...

" Mayydam poore bank mei aap ho jo mera doubt solve ki...mei aapko bahut saara alu chips hai na uska packet doonga..mera uska bujness hai "
Chips packet ..woww..you cant imagine I was soo happy..chips packet ..may be some pakodas too...yummm yumm...I acted and became extra sweet. Suddenly I stopped calling him Mr Tantya and started calling him Uncle Uncle.." Arre nahi Uncle isme kya badi baat thi"..and giving a expression of YE-TOH-MERA-FARZ-THA.
" Nahi mayydam..mei jarooooor laaoonga"
Time wasted but not quite I was going to get Alu chips packet...I told this incident to my friends Shiny and Srinu..both were happy and super excited..each of them made their own plans to pitch Tantya uncle for their share of Alu chips and pakodas.
We made story's of how uncle would come with packets in his hand...and we would dance :

" Tofa Tofa Tofa Tofa Laya Laya Laya.."

Wowwww !!! ..When would he come..Everyday we would wait for Tantya uncle to come..every day we would save some place in our stomachs for Tantya uncles chips..may be he would come.
AFter 1 week atlast he came. Shiny sent a instant message to me..

" Arre uncle aa gaye.. uncle aa gaye..he is coming to u only...plzz do remember my share"
Srini on the other hand " My share is 50% .. do remember..:))) "
Me to both " Who r u 2..i dont remember being ur frnd..:P "
And simultaneous message from both of them " TRAITOR !!! "


" Hello Uncle "
" Hello Mayydam...dekho mujhe yaad tha mei laya aapke liye"
Actress me trying to act as if I dont remember " Kya uncle?? "
" arre mayydamm yaad nahi ..Alu chips..pakoda..kanda"
" arre dont tell me aap laaye??"
" hann mayyadamm...aye Ganpat chal alu laa"
My attention now totally towards Ganpat.Suddenly everything happened so quickly that I didnt quite understand.. I got a instant message from Srini..
" somebody didnt want to share..gud for that person...hahhahaha"
" wt??"
and theneverything became clear...in front of me stood Ganpat with a real big bag ..
" ye Bhori mei kya hai?? "
" Alu aur kanda mayydamm"
" alu aur kanda??"
" haan maydamm jiska alu chips bhi banta hai aur kanda ka pakoda bhi banta hai"
" kanda??...mujhe samajh nahi aa raha"
Ganpat again breaking the silence.." kyu madam aap kanda nahi khaate ..ap Jain hai?? "
Now controlling my irritation..."Arre kya aap jain jain kar rahe ho...mei jain nahi hun...uncle aapne toh chips bola tha na SHAYAD"
" nahi mayyadam..mera bujness alu ani kanda ka hai..chips aap banao ghar pe.."
Now I tried to hide my dissappointment "ohhh heheheh acha acha uncle mujhe nahi chahiye ye bhori"
Damn bhori full of potatoes..just imagine leaving office with that bhori on my shoulders...
srini gave me a wicked smile...Shiny came running towards me.." what happened what about my share..? "
" Your share?? ..he gave me a bag of potatoes...and said ghar pe alu chips banao.."
We had a hearty laugh that day..:)

Next day while having lunch we overheard X saying to Y..You know there is this Tantya uncle he has got Chips business..I and shiny looked at each other..winked and said all the best to X..though she still does not knmow the reason..I am sure the D day will come soon in her life too..;)

(PS : This had the folowing charachters

main Lead : Myself
Actor in Negative Role : Tantya uncle and his chamcha
Extra's : Shiny and Srinu ( Yeahhhhhh atlast You have got a role...15 minutes fame...;P )

DUH... !!!

" Mangalik hun toh kya hua ..mei insaan hun.."

My first reaction on hearing this melodramatic statement on news was.. "Duh!!!..why are these news channel people even bothering to show this type of news..but look at the poor girl !!! "

My brother gave me a wicked smile and said.."Yeah seems like somebody's future..."
Always ready for extracting some Juicy news from him I jumped.." ya !!..whose future ??"
He came close to me.. held my head with his hands, gave a sigh and then said "You My dear girl ..your future..."
"My future..ya right...why"
"You are mangalik dear girl..sob"
"Me???...I am a mangalik..who told u that.."
"well..I overheard..and let me tell you something ..this news is 100 % true"

Dhananananna Dhum tanananana ..Dhum tanananana....So on..
(For stupid ppl who are wondering what happened suddenly...guys this is my background music...I was shocked you see)

I felt as if I had been diagnosed with some Jaanleva disease...about which I had no clue...Sigh.I could feel the curiosity increasing in me.So I decided that from now on mission Mangalik or should I say Mission Mangu had to be started.
Within my research period,I got different versions and different definitions from of being a Mangalik.

Internet Version:

Damn couldn't understand a bit..it talks about some houses..that Mars is in 7th number ka house..Moon is in 12th number ka house..and poor Rahu is in somebody's neighbor's house.. phewww very confusing

Friends Version: (Exaggerating from every sense )

Curious Me: You know what.. I am a mangalik..you have any clue about it??
Friend: Mangalik !!!...damn ..you hav got to marry a mangalik only..and if you marry a Non mangalik..your husband will DIE..

Hmmmm seriously??..Does that mean mangaliks are human killers?? Thinking about it...Mangalik people can start taking supari's..I mean if you want to kill some one (Non mangalik) marry her/him to a mangalik..and my fellow Mangu people will do the mission without getting anybody into trouble or any police case..Cheers to Mangu people...;)...Thanku Thanku this is my original idea and am not going to share the credit with any one..:))

Comedy friends version
Friend: You are a mangalik !! ..ohh ok ok..I know what you got to do..You have to first marry a tree and then a human..:P
Me: Duh..who told you that...
Friend: Ashwarya Rai..came to know everything from her marriage..

Tree !!!....damn it.. just imagine people attending 2-2 marriages..one with a tree..and one with a humanbeing..and then commenting.." I think the first husband was far better and much cuter than this one...!!! "..:)
or another situation I have a fight with my husband and I say.." Mei jaa rahi hun tumko chodke ,apne pehle pati ke paas..wo mujhe kabhi kuch nahi bolta tha...!! " ....;)

Flirt friends version:

Me again : yaar you know I came to know I am a mangalik
Friend : So what??
Me: Damn I will have to marry a tree first..
Friend : No no you don't hav to do that..seriously speaking..I am bored with life..I will do this sacrifice for you..I will marry you...if I die 'coz am a non mangalik...thats ok for me.. 'coz I am seriously bored..and if I don't die...we have already proved that mangalik and non mangalik's can be happily ever after..wt say..??

Hmmm..I thought that was very intelligent..and so cute..:)

In the end I still don't have any clue..why such a big fuss is created about a mangalik person..and am still trying to find more...