Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Torture Express

When I saw him for the first time..I knew there was something wrong with him...(Naaah !!!..Dont worry.. am not writing a post about yet another Dyslexic child..I mean post Taare Zameen Pe,everyone is writing about being dyslexic or to have found one...In this case..Just read on and you will get it)
He was wearing dark sun glasses that too in the evening...;) ... It was the first time that my dialogue.."Looks don't matter..inner beauty does "....seemed Pass'e...Believe me..but sometimes God can be very unfair...(Btw If you by any chance belong to this category...you can skip this post...I will be writing something nice and sweet for you next time..yeahhhh!!..Now go away..)

I saw him going towards one of my colleagues (shiny)..And instantly got a Message from her ..
Shiny: Godddd here he comes..this person is sucha pakao person...plzz save me!!! ..:(
Me:Ya.. cud make out that..look at him, he looks like a kankhajoora (milipede)....such irritating looks...wonder wt he eats?
Shiny: Brains!!!..u shud hear his ring tone...always there is a new one..some bakwaas shaayri...and he doesnt even pick up the phone till the shayari is over...and today toh it is something like" Ouchhhhhhh !! Dhak dhak kar ne laga.."...wants everyone to hear that ..sooo sick..sucha torture
Me: Tch! Tch !..enjoyy girl !!!!...Ouchhh..;)

After some time he passed by me..looked at me..and suddenly stopped..(I dont know his name..but he is sucha pakao person ..I will call him P)

P: Hiiiiiiiiii Mam
Surprised Me: Hmmm??
P: I see that you did not recognize me..Haaaahhhaaahaa
Confused me: Sorry very poor in remembering faces (I should have included Ugly faces..but as you know I am quite sweet and soooo innocent..I thought of dropping those words)
P: But I remember you...you were in XYZ branch before... right??...I remember Everythiiiing..!!

Such a exaggerated Everythingggg !!....Mannnn !! some people I tell you..they behave as if they are your childhood friends or something. That was the first time I spoke to him..and I hoped it would be the last time ( I hate such over friendly creeps...:( )

Next time he came directly to me..asked me something about his account...and again his stupid conversation started..
P: Seriously when you were in XYZ branch..you were soooo different..now you have changed
Me:Changed??..who me..??...In what sense??
P: (Took a deep breath)...In every sense..

o oh...this looked bad..condition was serious...I shot a instant message to Shiny...to keep her in the loop.

Msg to shiny

Mannnn your Torture Express is here..and he is pissing me off like anything....do something..plzz
My great helper replied: Ohoo toh aapki lottery lag hi gayi...Enjoy !!!!..;) ..OUCHHH ...;)

Back to P
Me trying to change the topic and give him some gyaan...
Me:You have a savings account..but you are performing so many transactions in this..not acceptable..open a current accout
P now tried to act like Shahrukh ( kankhajoora shahrukh)..he removed his goggles (showing his squint eyes)...did some over acting..as if he was in deep thoughts..(surprisingly he looked more like Rani Mukherjee from Black) and then said
P: You are right mam...you are right....I appreciate that ..but initially this was a savings account..no transactions nothing...but now I am a busy man..have my own business....you know which business?

Ok now halt..you must be thinking why every third person starts telling me about their details...right?....dont ask me that question..mei khud nahi jaanti..but believe me I am innocent..sob sob...will do some research on it and let you know..

Sleepy Me: Yawnnn...no no
P: Kadhaii ka business
ME: Kadhaiiiiiii ka business...as in....bhaandi,bartan..kadhaiii!!!??? (utensils)
P: Tch tch...you think I am that kind??...
(Hmmmm !! This man had solid misconceptions about himself..but yeah in one way he was right..he did not look that kind at all..He was worse than that...I thought he was a bloody beggar or something....yuck yuck...)

He continued.." ye jo dress apne pehni hai na..iski kadhaiii ka business hai mera(embroidery).."
What did he think..I would jump and say....."ooooooo kadhaiiiyan ..wo toh meri favorite hai"..Duh !!!...sorry but I am not that kind either..
After some more blah blah... suddenly he said.."Mam I wants to do frandship wid u..."
Immediate thought process started in my mind.." I " wants to do friendship wid me..!!....Who is this "I"..where is he...what does he do??....and then I realised it was none other than the poor soul himself...Ghosh!!!...badddddd one....!!
I snapped.."so..??.."
"I Hope u dont mind.."
"Excuse me??"....usually when I say "Excuse me"..giving a irritated look..the other party can hardly ever speak...but this man..my dear friends was so pakao and so dumb..that he replied
EXCUSED...can I get your mobile no...
Goddd..how can a person be sooo dumb...I gave him a melting look..he understood and said something like.."ok..ok..I got it.."

Good...that I didn't have to say anything..coz I had no words...frandship request from "I" ...baddddd yaar and so saaaaddd

I think after 1 month or so he came again to the branch.I was sure the best way would be to ignore him...he came directly to me..for a account statement or something..very sadly the printer was not working...and so unwantingly I had to speak to him...I informed him about the printer..
"Dont worry mam that is ok for me..you can keep the application..when ever it is ready plz call me.. Btw Mam...Joint acct karni thi...meri wife ke saath..will you help"

Joint acct with wife !!..Did I hear it correclty..thank god he got married..that means I dont have to worry now...I told him the procedure and everything..and that I would inform him ..whenever the statement was ready..
Now you will understand why I hate him so much ..and why this post is " Torture Express"..
Sweet that I am ..I searched for his number and called him up.On the other end a lady picked up the call..." Hellooooo"
Me:" Hello..hmmm...can I speak to Mr P"
Lady: " Hellooooooooo...Hellooooooooo"
Me:" Can u hear me ??" (That day I controlled my anger like anything..thinking that it had to be his dehati wife..)
Lady: " Arreeee kuch toh bollooooo..helloooooo"
Me: " Hello ..hello...can u hear me now"
Lady: "Hellooooooo...hellooooo TRING TRING...arre kuch toh bolooooo"

Damn it...!!!! It was then I realised..it had to be his very third class caller tune....He was standing just outside..he came in with his stupid grinch smile...said oh you were trying to call right..thanks mam for remembering...
I controlled my anger...So many pangaaaas with me..and still he was alive..i felt like beating him witha stick...Now I have only one mission in life..to make life miserable for him..let him come with his wife for joint account..I will surely do some jhol in his account...or may be give his photo in Sansani or Indias most unwanted....Ahhhhhhhhhh seriously he is a "Torture Express"...and I want some ideas from you people to piss him off..I mean..before he does that to me...AGAIN!!..OUCHHH !!!