Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Torture Express

When I saw him for the first time..I knew there was something wrong with him...(Naaah !!!..Dont worry.. am not writing a post about yet another Dyslexic child..I mean post Taare Zameen Pe,everyone is writing about being dyslexic or to have found one...In this case..Just read on and you will get it)
He was wearing dark sun glasses that too in the evening...;) ... It was the first time that my dialogue.."Looks don't matter..inner beauty does "....seemed Pass'e...Believe me..but sometimes God can be very unfair...(Btw If you by any chance belong to this category...you can skip this post...I will be writing something nice and sweet for you next time..yeahhhh!!..Now go away..)

I saw him going towards one of my colleagues (shiny)..And instantly got a Message from her ..
Shiny: Godddd here he comes..this person is sucha pakao person...plzz save me!!! ..:(
Me:Ya.. cud make out that..look at him, he looks like a kankhajoora (milipede)....such irritating looks...wonder wt he eats?
Shiny: Brains!!!..u shud hear his ring tone...always there is a new one..some bakwaas shaayri...and he doesnt even pick up the phone till the shayari is over...and today toh it is something like" Ouchhhhhhh !! Dhak dhak kar ne laga.."...wants everyone to hear that ..sooo sick..sucha torture
Me: Tch! Tch !..enjoyy girl !!!!...Ouchhh..;)

After some time he passed by me..looked at me..and suddenly stopped..(I dont know his name..but he is sucha pakao person ..I will call him P)

P: Hiiiiiiiiii Mam
Surprised Me: Hmmm??
P: I see that you did not recognize me..Haaaahhhaaahaa
Confused me: Sorry very poor in remembering faces (I should have included Ugly faces..but as you know I am quite sweet and soooo innocent..I thought of dropping those words)
P: But I remember you...you were in XYZ branch before... right??...I remember Everythiiiing..!!

Such a exaggerated Everythingggg !!....Mannnn !! some people I tell you..they behave as if they are your childhood friends or something. That was the first time I spoke to him..and I hoped it would be the last time ( I hate such over friendly creeps...:( )

Next time he came directly to me..asked me something about his account...and again his stupid conversation started..
P: Seriously when you were in XYZ branch..you were soooo different..now you have changed
Me:Changed??..who me..??...In what sense??
P: (Took a deep breath)...In every sense..

o oh...this looked bad..condition was serious...I shot a instant message to Shiny...to keep her in the loop.

Msg to shiny

Mannnn your Torture Express is here..and he is pissing me off like anything....do something..plzz
My great helper replied: Ohoo toh aapki lottery lag hi gayi...Enjoy !!!!..;) ..OUCHHH ...;)

Back to P
Me trying to change the topic and give him some gyaan...
Me:You have a savings account..but you are performing so many transactions in this..not acceptable..open a current accout
P now tried to act like Shahrukh ( kankhajoora shahrukh)..he removed his goggles (showing his squint eyes)...did some over acting..as if he was in deep thoughts..(surprisingly he looked more like Rani Mukherjee from Black) and then said
P: You are right mam...you are right....I appreciate that ..but initially this was a savings account..no transactions nothing...but now I am a busy man..have my own business....you know which business?

Ok now halt..you must be thinking why every third person starts telling me about their details...right?....dont ask me that question..mei khud nahi jaanti..but believe me I am innocent..sob sob...will do some research on it and let you know..

Sleepy Me: Yawnnn...no no
P: Kadhaii ka business
ME: Kadhaiiiiiii ka business...as in....bhaandi,bartan..kadhaiii!!!??? (utensils)
P: Tch tch...you think I am that kind??...
(Hmmmm !! This man had solid misconceptions about himself..but yeah in one way he was right..he did not look that kind at all..He was worse than that...I thought he was a bloody beggar or something....yuck yuck...)

He continued.." ye jo dress apne pehni hai na..iski kadhaiii ka business hai mera(embroidery).."
What did he think..I would jump and say....."ooooooo kadhaiiiyan ..wo toh meri favorite hai"..Duh !!!...sorry but I am not that kind either..
After some more blah blah... suddenly he said.."Mam I wants to do frandship wid u..."
Immediate thought process started in my mind.." I " wants to do friendship wid me..!!....Who is this "I"..where is he...what does he do??....and then I realised it was none other than the poor soul himself...Ghosh!!!...badddddd one....!!
I snapped.."so..??.."
"I Hope u dont mind.."
"Excuse me??"....usually when I say "Excuse me"..giving a irritated look..the other party can hardly ever speak...but this man..my dear friends was so pakao and so dumb..that he replied
EXCUSED...can I get your mobile no...
Goddd..how can a person be sooo dumb...I gave him a melting look..he understood and said something like.."ok..ok..I got it.."

Good...that I didn't have to say anything..coz I had no words...frandship request from "I" ...baddddd yaar and so saaaaddd

I think after 1 month or so he came again to the branch.I was sure the best way would be to ignore him...he came directly to me..for a account statement or something..very sadly the printer was not working...and so unwantingly I had to speak to him...I informed him about the printer..
"Dont worry mam that is ok for me..you can keep the application..when ever it is ready plz call me.. Btw Mam...Joint acct karni thi...meri wife ke saath..will you help"

Joint acct with wife !!..Did I hear it correclty..thank god he got married..that means I dont have to worry now...I told him the procedure and everything..and that I would inform him ..whenever the statement was ready..
Now you will understand why I hate him so much ..and why this post is " Torture Express"..
Sweet that I am ..I searched for his number and called him up.On the other end a lady picked up the call..." Hellooooo"
Me:" Hello..hmmm...can I speak to Mr P"
Lady: " Hellooooooooo...Hellooooooooo"
Me:" Can u hear me ??" (That day I controlled my anger like anything..thinking that it had to be his dehati wife..)
Lady: " Arreeee kuch toh bollooooo..helloooooo"
Me: " Hello ..hello...can u hear me now"
Lady: "Hellooooooo...hellooooo TRING TRING...arre kuch toh bolooooo"

Damn it...!!!! It was then I realised..it had to be his very third class caller tune....He was standing just outside..he came in with his stupid grinch smile...said oh you were trying to call right..thanks mam for remembering...
I controlled my anger...So many pangaaaas with me..and still he was alive..i felt like beating him witha stick...Now I have only one mission in life..to make life miserable for him..let him come with his wife for joint account..I will surely do some jhol in his account...or may be give his photo in Sansani or Indias most unwanted....Ahhhhhhhhhh seriously he is a "Torture Express"...and I want some ideas from you people to piss him off..I mean..before he does that to me...AGAIN!!..OUCHHH !!!


Sudi said...

hilarious .. i so remember such junk characters from the banking days.

Sonit said...

ohh...i missd writing the 1st comment again :(...chalo koi baat nai....good improvisation gal...accha sach sach bolo...were u J when he askd for a joint acct thing???hehehe...accha chalo ab badle ki baari...tum na uski Frandshp request accept kar lo...iss se bada badla aur kya hoga??jus kidding gal....
accha suno usko ye blog padhwa dena...bechara aise hi rone lagega,apne bare me itni touching story padh ke

Mohit said...

Perfect masala one..

But instead of praising u for ur beautiful writing skills,,,I shd get sum ideas to make sure Torture express shldn't torture u again...

Dimple said...

@sudi: Thanks man..who can understand better than a EX-banker..;)

@sonit:Arre forget about the first comment..but u wr the first one to read my blog remember.. yeahhhh..cheers to that..and thanks for that "BLACK" joke...(shhhhh kisi ko batana mat..:) )...btw ye blog toh padha deti mei use..per kahin OUCH wale comment na daal de...wapas popat ho jaayega..:D

@mohit: ohh yaaa plzzz do that..i seriously require ur help ..aisa idea dena ki popat ho jaye uska..;)

Sonit said...

o yeah...n i'm honoured lady :) ...tum usko ye blog padho n i'm sure he wil get some taste of the reality, fir woh OUCH wale comments nai marega, bechara pani-pani ho jaega

souneya said...

ok now i understood y? u don't move from that counter and now u will have free 'khadhai" on all ur wedding dreses.."ouch"

Dimple said...

@sonit: Hann kya ..let me try then..aur haan agar aisae vaise comments aaye na uski taraf se ..toh kahin meri taraf se tumhe koi OUCH wali gift naa mil jaaye..

@souneya:Hehehheeh hmmmm kya baat hai..pehle idea kyu nahi diya yaar...kitne paise bach jaate..;)

raingirl said...

this is mah first time on ur blog.. i want frndship wid u :P ok soorry loz... just pullin ur leg...

sorry i guess i forge my manners. but ur post was so friendly n nice that it seemed as if i now u..real cute!


Sonit said...

tumko meri suggestion me shaq hai???ek baar try to karo...fir dekho...kisko OUCH wale comments/gifts milte hai.....tum aage badho...hum tumhare peeche hain ;-)
oops...i mean not literally....

Supernova said...

ROFL! ya tell me abt it...all kinda losers in dis world. Now u can laugh abt it but dat point of time u so much wish to strangle dem to death :D
Awsum post! :)

Dimple said...

@Raingirl:Haahah this "frandship" request was still a cute one that bugger said something like" I WANTS TO DO FRANDSHIP WID U"...yuck..;)
Btw thanks for stopping by..

@sonit: shak aur aap pe.. kabhiii nahiii..ap bolte ho toh vaisa hi karnge ..aap humare peeche jo ho..;P...not literally obv..;)

@supernova:Ohh yes u bet..now seriously i can laugh on this incident..but at that time..maaan some one was really lucky..

Sonit said...

thanku thanku....waise hamare dialogue copy karna allowed nai hai....copyrights reserved hai...hmmmm...nai tumhare liye reserved nai hai...tumko sab allowed hai....hum tumhare peeche jo hain ;-)
oops...i mean not literally....

Mahwiish said...

ANSHU: I can imagine few characters like this but nothin betta thn this one..... the way u hv made him look miserable is phenomenal.. out of this world, well im sure he deserves it..hehehe ... :D

And yeh one more thing tht confuses me ... Was tht Frandship a typo or his pronounciation???... well no point for guessin its the later... :P

well keep up the good work....aur bbhagwan karey u get such characters every day in ur life and u write such things abt them....ok ok sorry ... juss joking....


Dimple said...

@sonit: yeahhhh...haan plz mujhe exceptional case samjho..mujhe sab allowed hai..hum 50-50 business partners jo hain..;)

@mahwiish:believe me anshu he was a miserable charachter..no efforts from my side at all

hmmm wt do u think..typeing mistake or sumthing else..;)

jee hum bhi yehi prathna karte hain ki aise log hume mile taaki humara manoranjan ho jaaye..:P

rakesh said...

this is just amazing.....yaar temme 1 thing this all crap happens id u always ?

rakesh said...

this is just amazing.....yaar temme 1 thing this all crap happens wid u always ?
heres a suggestion for u....jus be a frd wid dat mans dehati wife...:)

matty said...

poor u..

i still wonder..why all such people crash into u..

i had a great laugh!

the do- dreamer said...

ouch! dat must've been sum torture, i'm sure!! but made cool readin!! gr8 wrk! do get bak!

Sonit said...

exception to thik hai...but ye 50-50% wala kaunsa beejness hai....haaain???

Dimple said...

@rakesh:Hahhahah that was sucha coool tip..seriously..;)..

@matty:U know wt..my boss asks me the same thing everytime i tell her abt my new exp..;)

Dimple said...

@do-dreamer:OUCH !!! ...;)

@sonit:oye..50-50 % business partners hum book likhne mei aur tum dialogues likhne mei ho..kyun tumko kya laga??..:P

akshay said...

hahaha, nice one, is it real or yet another cooked up story,.....

Mohit said...

Mam bohit Late ho gayaaaaa....WhereZ the March Masala Story....We r waiting....

Dimple said...

@akshay: yaar ek dum true story hai...100% masala free..:)

@ mohit: March mei chutti hai post kii...April mei likhoongi..office waalon ne paka daala kaam kara kara ke..mera hi masala bana diya..;)

varsha said...

Ouch...;)...that must have been bad

satishds said...

Lol..very nice read..the ringtone joke was super cool!!

mxj7 said...

Wow..i've read three of your posts yet..just picking them randomly...THIS is great...i haven't read anything so hilarious in a long time..and the conversational style that you write it in is fabulous...

i liked so many parts..its hard to take out the best one..though "lookd like rani mukherjee from black"...shit re...i mean this is laughing at someone else's expense but you make it feel alright..once again..awesome writings..gonna continue now with rest of them..:)

Anonymous said...

What words..